KittenWar Algorithm

by Jonah

KittenWar is a great way to unwind, to thoughtlessly make consequetial decisions that cost you next to no effort.

But after careful observation, there is actually a fairly simple method of discovering which kittens will win. It has nothing to do with coloring and little to do with actual appearance.

1. The photography has to be decent, not blurry, no red-eye (or in kittens’ case, glowing white eyes). This doesn’t seem like it should matter when determining cuteness, but it does.

2. Multiple kittens are cuter than individual kittens.

3. Kittens’ bellies are their cutest part. A kitten standing up on its hind legs or a kitten lying on its back is cuter than a kitten right side up. Dangling a paw in the air is even cuter.

4. A kitten with his paw over his face is cuter.

5. Kittens in something are cuter, be it fish bowls, cereal boxes, or flower pots.

6. Kittens hanging from something or else engaged in another activity are cuter than those standing still.

7. The younger a kitten is, the cuter.

With this in mind, I think I have the makings of the perfect KittenWar champion. The Bremers’ cats just had kittens (it was a group effort among the fathers Scotch and Bear and the mother Mincemeat). I’ll take the litter of four, put tape on their noses, place them upside down in something, and snap a photo as one of them tries to climb out.

I just have to make sure it’s in focus.

7 Responses to “KittenWar Algorithm”

  1. nana Says:

    Please tell us when you post pics! We can look for them when you
    name them. Can’t wait! Cute Kittens!

  2. Nathan Says:

    Sure, that’s all fine and dandy, but what happens when your KITTY LOOKS LIKE HITLER?!
    http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

  3. stephanie.bailey Says:

    I wonder if we could win any kitten wars with the kittens that we find around our house.

  4. Nathan Says:

    You’re a sick person.

  5. Berck Says:

    Well, since one of the kittens got eaten, I don’t think Jonah will win.

  6. Nathan Says:

    That seems to be going around.

  7. Amanda Hardy Says:

    After extensive research, I have found that those rules do not always apply. Also, it can be a highly addictive activity. One can also get way too emotionally involved and scream obscenities when the kitten that they are sure is much cuter is not favored by the majority.

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