Archive for the 'Nonclassified Nonsense' Category

First Siberian

11 November 2017 at 11:43 am
by Jonah

I did get my neck rub.

I did get my drink the next evening.  The cat supervised.

I was able to fix the zipper on my jacket lining by squeezing the pull with some pliers.  Here’s my jacket tag.  I’m guessing it’s Chinese, but the text seems to be in Chinese, Japanese, and Korean, along with the English.  It’s  a really good jacket, but I’m guessing it’s probably not legit, since I can’t find anything on the Internet First Siberian leather jackets.

John Gray is a cold-blooded manipulatist

9 November 2017 at 10:27 pm
by Jonah

It all started this morning.

Our insurance, or Berck’s employer… someone.  Wants us to get bloodwork done, and in exchange they will deposit some amount of money into our health savings account.  Free money.  The e-mail I got said it’s $75.  Berck insists it’s a grand.  All I know is that I had to either A) go to the doctor B) print out a voucher and go to LabCorp.  LabCorp opens at 7:30.  I was there at 7:25 this morning and was out at 7:45, plenty of time to get to work.

But the lining came unzipped from my jacket and wouldn’t zip back in.  I have a Chinese leather jacket.  It so stinking cool.  But none of the zippers work.  The zippers are probably made out lead.  I’ve already replaced the zipper in the front.  I’m thinking I’ll need to replace the one for the lining.  I sat on the floor in front of LabCorp for five minutes trying to zip it back up.

I blame my jacket for the reason I forgot my bag at LabCorp this morning.

Then one our firm’s three attorneys brought me coffee this morning.  I’d already made myself a double espresso, but I drank it anyway.  I love free coffee.  I shouldn’t have drunk it.

Daylight saving ended this weekend.  That means I’m not getting up in the dark and am not in need as quite as much caffeine.  Too much caffeine makes me agitated.  Maybe that’s what made me so mad.

Our receptionist has a great attitude.  I mean, utterly fantastic.  She’s very enthusiastic.

And she has zero memory.  I mean, less than a goldfish.  I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no point in telling her anything.  She’ll just forget it.  I timed it once.  45 minutes.  Nothing.  Deer in the headlights look.

So asking her to remember something from Monday is a real stretch.  My colleague Jane had told her then that, if an attorney isn’t available, tell a client calling, “He’s away from his desk.  Can I transfer you his paralegal or take a message?”

Instead, today she told a client of mine that one of my attorneys was with a client.

Now this attorney she’s referring to only comes down to the Colorado Springs office once a week.  Mostly, he works out of his Denver office.  All my clients know this.  And he wasn’t here today.  The receptionist knew this.  And she had no way of knowing whether he was seeing a client at his Denver office or not.  And, apparently, for the life of her, she couldn’t remember to say, “He’s not at his desk.”

I was agitated.  I was FURIOUS.

I didn’t say anything.  I’ll talk to my boss tomorrow.

Also, by now I realized I’d left my bag at LabCorp.  Fortunately, with nothing perishable in it.  Now I’ve got to get up early tomorrow too to pick it up on the way to work.

It snowed Tuesday.  Not enough to amount to much, but it meant one of us had to drive the Land Cruiser.  The Land Cruiser’s name is Frances.  I drove Frances to work because I had less far to drive than Berck.  I drove her again yesterday for the same reason.  I like driving Frances.  She doesn’t drive herself.  She requires planning ahead, strategy, tactics.  But she’s alright.  Here’s a picture of her.  Isn’t she beautiful?

Something very sad happened September 15.  We had left our WRX at our favorite Mexican restaurant overnight, and someone careened off the highway and smashed into it, totalling it.

So we bought me a new car. And the car we bought is a Ford Focus RS. Here’s a picture:

Now, if you haven’t heard of the RS, you might be thinking, oh, a Focus, nice sensible car, good gas mileage.


The “RS” is an extremely important distinction.  The RS stands for “really super”.  Maybe.  This is a RIDICULOUSLY fast car. It is so much fun to drive.

So I got in the car tonight after work.  Daylight saving has ended.  The caffeine has worn off.  And while driving Frances is fun, driving the RS is so stinking cool.  I was in a great mood.  There was a new episode of one of my favorite podcasts by one of my favorite radio producers from before there were podcasts.

If you have 40 minutes of driving or otherwise, I highly recommend you listen to this episode of Heavyweight by Jonathan Goldstein.  I drove home weeping while listening to it.  Also, I had the ability to go faster than anyone else, which is fantastic.

Berck had stopped by Colorado Liquor Outlet on his way home for Family Card Weekend.  I knew because I had created a calendar item for him, with two separate notifications, and I IMed him so that he would remember to go.  If you have a Family Card, which are free but have to be acquired BEFORE the monthly Family Card Weekend, and you go to Colorado Liquor Outlet (not on the weekend, as you might think the from name of event) on the second Thursday of the month, you can get the cheapest prices on wine and liquor in the Pikes Peak area.

So driving home, weeping and formerly agitated, I thought, I sure could use a drink and a neck rub.  And here’s where John Gray comes in.

As you may know, John Gray wrote an extremely popular book called Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.  (Berck would like to let you know that this is not the major league pitcher, nor the black preacher, nor the English philosopher).  I’m not sure how valuable this book might be to men, but I highly recommend that any woman in male/female relationship read it.  Here is an excellent example.

My favorite passage from the book is about how to get a man to do things you want him to do.  Spoiler alert… here’s not how to: nag.

It’s under a heading called, “How to ask for support and get it.”  There are several steps.

The first thing to do is to remember that, when you ask your man to do something, you can’t give him all the reasons why he should do it.  That just starts an argument.  First, John Gray says, you have to start asking him to do the little things he was going to do anyway and thanking him for doing them. It makes him feel like a knight in shining armour, a conquering hero.

At some point you can work up to getting him to do anything you ask.  So says John Gray.

So I started thanking my man for the little things he did, hoping to work my way up to asking him to do anything.

I’ve been on step 1 for the past 14 years.

I thanked Berck for going to the liquor store.

I had to make my own drink.

I think I’ll go ask for  a neck rub.  Goodnight.






29 October 2017 at 9:01 pm
by Jonah

Kegerator 2.0


5 September 2017 at 8:09 pm
by Jonah

Today was a milestone in my professional life.

When I first started working as a paralegal, my boss had me apply to be a notary public so that I could notarize his documents.  All you have to do in Colorado is fill out an application on the Secretary of State website saying you’ve read the notary handbook, take a quick test, and send them $10.  If you actually want to notarize anything, you also have to buy a stamp.  You’re also supposed to keep a journal.  I’ve always used cheap spiral bound mini notebooks as my journals and bought the cheapest self inking stamps.

I became a Colorado notary public on December 5, 2005.  You have to renew every four years. I figured in four years I’d for sure be doing something else for a living.

In 2009 I renewed my notary certificate.  All that you have to renew is to send in another $10.  I was pretty depressed about it.  I was still just a paralegal, a job that doesn’t even always require a high school degree.  I was working for a firm that did nothing but foreclosures, which I didn’t really mind at all, depressing as that might sound. I liked all of my colleagues.  I had a nice office to myself. But the boss was crazy and a tyrant.  Berck had been furloughed by the airlines and was on unemployment.  We were lucky I still had a job. And I was still working as a paralegal.

In 2013 I renewed my notary.  By then I was working at a firm that did work comp and Social Security disability.  I enjoyed the work and liked the two attorneys I worked for.  I got along fine with almost all of the staff.  My job was a lot less stressful than the last one.  Berck had since finished his degree and got a very nicely paying job writing computer code.  We’d bought a house the year before and had spent a lot time laying wood flooring and building shelves.  Things were pretty good.

I renewed my notary again today.  You can renew it three months before it expires.  I ordered a new stamp with my new expiration date (December 5, 2021).  I’m on my third journal, I think.  I still notarize a lot of stuff at work.  I’m now with a new firm, since the sole proprietor of the last one died and the rest of the attorneys decided to make a new firm.  I really enjoy my job.  I get to help people instead of taking their houses away from them.  I work for a fantastic boss, and I think we work really well together.  All three of the partners are great and are also good lawyers.  I get along great with the other paralegals. I get paid generously.

I’m still a paralegal.

And I don’t mind.



foot hurts swollen top

29 August 2017 at 8:27 pm
by Jonah

My foot started hurting on Friday.

It got worse over the weekend, and was really hurting yesterday.  Yesterday I wore sandals to work, so I knew it couldn’t be my shoes that were the problem.  Last night, despite taking Aleve all day, it hurt badly, it was hot, and once I took my sandals off, I realized it was quite swollen.  Berck asked why I was limping around. “Because my foot hurts.”
“I don’t know!” 
“Well, take drugs, ice it, and go to a doctor.”
“What’s a doctor going to do?”
“Tell you to take drugs and ice it.”
I decided to save myself a couple hundred dollars and continue taking Aleve and ice it.  There hadn’t been any trauma, so I didn’t see how it could be broken.  I’ve had broken bones, and that’s a very specific type of pain.  Palpitating didn’t indicate any one area of severe pain.  While I iced it, I decided to Google “foot”, “hurts” and “swollen”.  Google suggested adding “top”, and I accepted that, because it did hurt on the top of my foot.  Google knows everything.
I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.  But I have worked in the medical field, and my job as a paralegal in a law firm that does work comp and Social Security disability involves reading lots and lots of medical records.  I also know that doctors hate it when you try to self-diagnose using WebMD.
But as soon as I hit enter, Google said I had  extensor tendonitis and directed me to  Here’s what it has to say:
“A common area of pain occurs near the middle of the top of the foot, generally a bit to the outside of the foot. In this area of the foot the tendons that go to the toes can become inflamed. This is called extensor tendonitis. One cause of this condition is excessive tightness of the calf muscle. When the calf muscle is tight it places excessive stress on the tendons on the top of the foot that pull the foot upward and against the tightness of the calf muscles. Wearing a shoe with a one-inch heel will help to take the stress off of the tendons on the top of the foot. Aggressive stretching of the calf muscle is also very helpful. Oral anti-inflammatory medications can help.”
Wearing heels to cure foot pain seems awfully counterintuitive. I don’t really have a pair of daily heels, or even pumps, so I started stretching my calf.  And today my foot feels a lot better.  I haven’t even taken my night Aleve.
The moral of this story is that aging sucks.  And sometimes Google can tell you the most amazing things.