Archive for April, 1995

Russian anecdotes

6 April 1995 at 3:47 pm
by Jonah

Cris Hyatt (my running mate) and I were walking from the quad to the day care center for her to get some paper for a bulletin board. As we approached the cross walk, one of the admission counselors and a perspective student and her family were approaching us.

“You know what I like to do whenever I pass an admission counselor?” she said and then told me. “You want to do it?” I agreed.
We met the group on the crosswalk. Cris started speaking loudly and mechanically, “Joanna, have I ever told you how much I love this school?”

“Why, no, Cris,” I answered. “Tell me.”

“I just love the University of Mobile,” she continued, enunciating each syllable. “The professors are wonderful, and the classes are so much fun.”

“But Cris,” I said with mock emotion, “You can’t possibly love this school as much as I do.”

By this time we had passed the other people, who were all cracking up laughing.

After getting her paper (which turned out to be a foot too short), I left Cris and made my way over to the library where I had an appointment with the science tutor. Chemistry is a challenge. I got a C on my last formal lab report accompanied by a note reading “Learning Center.”

The learning center is located in the library, houses several computers, and is manned by work study students who specialize in areas ranging from English and math to science. I forgot that my appointment was at 3:30 instead of 3:00, so at the invitation of one of the tutors, I started messing around on the computers. No games are allowed, so after quizzing myself on sentences with improper grammar, I went into control panels and began altering the wallpaper and screen saver. 3:30 rolled around, and Kim, the girl who was supposed to be tutoring, had
not showed up. I talked to Shocka, one of the guys on the computer bulletin boards around here, for an hour and a half waiting. Finally, I changed the marquis on one of the computers to read, “Joanna waited patiently for an hour and a half for Kim to come in and tutor her in chemistry, but she never showed up…” and left.

Elizabeth, my friend who also works in the learning center as an English tutor, told me later that they thought my little message was very humorous. I went back the next day, and sure enough, Kim appeared as well. Maybe I’ll get an A on this next lab report. Our chemistry professor posted out grades. I have a 90.08 average. Just barely an A! There is only one other A, however, out of a class of thirty of so.

My Russian history teacher teaches from a point of view based in propaganda. That makes her lectures fairly interesting. I mean, after all, Stalin invaded Poland only to create a buffer between Russia and Germany, right? And Stalin was the only one who saw what a terrible guy Hitler was. It’s kind of funny. But then, so are some of the anecdotes she tells…

The daughter of an old Decembrist asked her maid why the Bolsheviks were marching outside. “To stop people from being rich.”

“That’s odd,” the daughter mused, “My father demonstrated to try to stop people from being poor.”

Q: Why is there only one party in the Soviet Union?
A: With all the shortages, who can afford two?

Brezhnev, touring a factory one day, came across an industrious worker at his post. “Could you work as quickly if you had had a glass of vodka this morning?” Brezhnev asked.

“Of course,” replied the worker.

“What about if you had two glasses?”

“Yes, fine.”

“But what if you had three glasses of vodka this morning?” Brezhnev inquired.

Replied the worker, “m working now, aren’t I?”

There were two types of people in the Soviet Union: Blacks and Reds. The Blacks rode in black limousines, snacked on black caviar, and vacationed at the Black Sea. The rest of Russians were Red. They had red noses and went to Red Square with red banners.

Brezhnev’s mother stepped out of the limousine that had brought her to her son’s dacha and looked in wonder at the gardens and room before she started crying. “But what are we going to do,” she sobbed, “when the Bolsheviks come to take it away?”

Rosencranz and Guildenstern are sick

1 April 1995 at 3:46 pm
by Jonah

I’m sick. Sick, sick, sick. I’ve got a cold. Ugh.

Nathan, Stephanie, and I went to see a play on Sunday. It was put on by a Medieval society at the University of So:uth Alabama, the local state school. They did Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which I love. Their performance of it wasn’t very good, however. The two main characters, who are supposed to be male, were played by females. The First Player was played by this old guy who read his script instead of memorizing his lines. Hamlet was the best actor. He was a black guy with an earring in his right ear. They cut out a bunch of it and even one of the characters, Polonius. The king and queen mentioned that he was dead in the first scene, but then the other characters talked as if he were alive (like he should have been at that point) later on. The script was very different from the movie, so that kept it interesting, along with all the gaffs. The play was free, and it’s a good thing too.

I feel like ick.