{"id":3921,"date":"2017-01-06T22:08:00","date_gmt":"2017-01-07T05:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/nachzen.net\/?p=3921"},"modified":"2017-01-06T22:21:35","modified_gmt":"2017-01-07T05:21:35","slug":"organic-cds-a-short-story","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/?p=3921","title":{"rendered":"Organic CDs – a short story"},"content":{"rendered":"

Organic CDs<\/span><\/p>\n

By Jonah<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re organic, locally sourced CDs,\u201d said my roommate proudly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d I asked. \u00a0We were at the farmers market on a Saturday morning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re also artisanal,\u201d he added.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAre they fair trade too?\u201d I asked mockingly.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d said Jake, almost condescendingly. \u00a0\u201cThey don\u2019t need to be fair trade if they\u2019re locally sourced.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jake is harmless but an idiot. \u00a0He works the graveyard shift at Comcast doing tech support. \u00a0He makes just about enough to be able to afford a room in my apartment. \u00a0He survives on mainly frozen pizzas from the freezer section of Whole Foods. \u00a0To say he\u2019s a sucker for anything that has \u201csmall-batch,\u201d \u201cbespoke,\u201d or \u201chand crafted\u201d on the label is an understatement. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s probably why he likes coming to the farmers market with me on Saturday mornings, even after he\u2019s been up all night at work. \u00a0He certainly wouldn\u2019t know what to do with all the great produce there. \u00a0Me, I definitely come for the super fresh vegetables. \u00a0In summer they\u2019ve got huge peaches, as big as a baby\u2019s head, astonishingly succulant and sweet. \u00a0If you hit the market at just the right time, they\u2019ve got some halfway decent tomatoes. \u00a0And of course, there\u2019s the stand with the local honey. \u00a0I say I buy it to fend off allergies, but really I just love fishing out chunks of honeycomb and biting into the stuff, while helplessly letting honey run down my chin.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s other stuff at the farmers market too that isn\u2019t produce. \u00a0One of my favorite booths is the guy with crates and crates of old books. \u00a0If I\u2019ve got a few extra bucks, I\u2019ll dig through them till I get to the oldest one I can find and buy it. \u00a0Usually, it\u2019ll be something like a book of manners from the late 1800s or something in some other language I can\u2019t read. \u00a0But old books fascinate me. \u00a0Invariably, they\u2019ve got their first owner\u2019s signature inside the front cover, perfect loops all slanted at exactly the same angle, scratched expertly with a fountain pen. \u00a0This trip I\u2019d scored an 1873 edition of fairy tales by the Brothers Grimm. \u00a0It was pretty beat up, but\u00a0I was thrilled to add it to my collection.<\/span><\/p>\n

Meanwhile, Jake had apparently stumbled upon the stand selling organic CDs. \u00a0\u201cHow can a CD even be organic?\u201d I demanded. \u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s mostly plastic!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c…which is made from oil, which comes from ancient vegetable matter, which certainly wasn\u2019t exposed to anything artificial,\u201d Jake countered, clenching his teeth with the last syllable.<\/span><\/p>\n

I sighed. \u00a0Arguing with Jake was like arguing with a brick wall. \u00a0I was holding many plastic bags at this point, including a big sack of zucchini. Twenty-five cents a pound, they were basically giving it away for free! \u00a0But the plastic bag handles were digging into the skin on my hands, and I was hot and thirsty. \u00a0\u201cFine. \u00a0Let\u2019s go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I stumbled into the kitchen early the next morning to make coffee. \u00a0The refrigerator stopped humming as it cycled off. \u00a0And that\u2019s when I heard it.<\/span><\/p>\n

It sounded like whispering.<\/span><\/p>\n

I looked around. \u00a0The kitchen window was closed. \u00a0The front door was deadbolted. \u00a0I swiveled my head around, trying to isolate the sound. \u00a0It seemed to be coming from Jake\u2019s MacBook sitting open on the kitchen table.<\/span><\/p>\n

Jake lumbered into the kitchen wearing nothing but a pair of briefs and white athletic socks. \u00a0(We keep things pretty informal in the apartment.) For some reason Jake tried to wake and sleep at normal times on the weekends; if asked, he\u2019d mumble something about circadian rhythms, but I think he just liked to have company. \u00a0He yawned and then asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s that noise?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got an audio file or something playing on your computer,\u201d I said.<\/span><\/p>\n

He tapped at the touchpad and answered, \u201cNo, nothing is open. And the sound is turned off.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The whispering was definitely coming from the MacBook. \u00a0\u201cLet me take a look,\u201d I said. \u00a0I\u2019m no computer expert, but I\u2019m not an idiot either. \u00a0I tried to open an app. \u00a0It sadly bounced in the dock a few times before giving up. \u00a0\u201cYou must have downloaded a virus or some malware or something,\u201d I said. \u00a0Jake had saved up for months to buy this MacBook, after I convinced him that it would be a lot less vulnerable to malicious software, but there does exist some malware that can infect Apple products. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It occurred to me that I think better after coffee, and I turned back to the sink and started filling the kettle.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt sounds like it\u2019s trying to communicate,\u201d said Jake, picking up the computer and holding it close to his ear. \u00a0\u201cI just can\u2019t make out the words\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the last thing you did on it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said Jake, \u201cI inserted one of my new CDs into it to backup photos and whatnot\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, no!\u201d I groaned. \u00a0\u201cThe CDs must have been infected! \u00a0This is why you can\u2019t just stick stuff in a computer that you find randomly lying around! \u00a0We\u2019re going to have to reformat the whole operating system\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u201d screamed Jake. \u00a0He slammed the MacBook shut and hugged it tight to his hairy chest. \u00a0\u201cIt\u2019s trying to tell me something! \u00a0And those are not random CDs. \u00a0They\u2019re ARTISANAL!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

We found the guy selling the organic CDs at the far end of the farmers market. \u00a0\u201cThat\u2019s him,\u201d said Jake. \u00a0\u201cThat\u2019s Gerald.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Gerald was sitting behind a card table in the back corner of his tent, the only part that had any shade from the morning sun. \u00a0He had thinning red hair and a closely trimmed red mustache. \u00a0He was wearing a short sleeve plaid shirt with several pens in the front pocket and had eyeglasses frames that had gone out of style two decades prior. \u00a0It didn\u2019t look like he had all that many wares to sell.<\/span><\/p>\n

Jake lay the laptop on the card table and opened it up. \u00a0\u201cThis happened after I inserted one of the CDs,\u201d he said, turning it toward Gerald.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh, yes, sometimes this happens,\u201d said Gerald with interest.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c…sometimes you sell virus infected CDs?\u201d I asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy products are of the highest quality!\u201d answered Gerald, leaning back and sticking out his chest, dislodging one of the pens in his front pocket. \u00a0\u201cI manufacture them all myself in my basement using only the highest quality materials.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWell?\u201d asked Jake solemnly, \u201cWhat happened to my computer?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Gerald somehow magically opened a command prompt and furiously typed some gibberish into it. \u00a0An upside-down snowfall of characters sped to the top of the screen and disappeared, far too fast for the human eye to read, except for Gerald\u2019s eyes. \u00a0\u201cYes,\u201d he said, \u201cYour computer has become self-aware. \u00a0It is now an artificial intelligence. \u00a0See?\u201d he said, pointing to the speeding text, \u201cIt\u2019s metastasizing into all the directories\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

At least, that\u2019s what\u00a0it sounded like he was saying. \u00a0He talked for a long time in full paragraphs using all sorts of technical jargon I couldn\u2019t understand. \u00a0I knew Jake was catching even less than I was, but Jake stood there nodding anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d I said, when Gerald had paused to take a breath. \u00a0\u201cBut how do we fix it?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Gerald looked aghast. \u00a0\u201cYou can\u2019t FIX it. \u00a0It\u2019s a sentient being! \u00a0It\u2019s alive! Rebooting it or even letting its battery run out would be tantamount to murder!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCool,\u201d said Jake, still nodding. \u00a0\u201cSo it\u2019s like a supercomputer now? \u00a0It can learn and think for itself? \u00a0I can have conversations with it? \u00a0It can solve real world problems?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI wouldn\u2019t go that far,\u201d said Gerald. \u00a0\u201cThis is an older version MacBook. \u00a0It will never be very smart. \u00a0Maybe about the intelligence of a two year old child. \u00a0If you\u2019re lucky.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Macbook sits open by the window beside my bookcase of old books. \u00a0Jake thinks it likes sunbeams and looking out the window. \u00a0He lovingly dusts it once a week. \u00a0I\u2019m not allowed to plug anything else into its dedicated wall outlet, in case a fuse blows or something. \u00a0The whispering has kept up and freaks me out a little, though I can easily drown it out by turning on the TV or playing some music. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Occasionally, when he thinks I\u2019m sleeping, Jake will sit by the MacBook and read fairy tales to it out of my Brothers Grimm book. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Organic CDs By Jonah   \u201cThey\u2019re organic, locally sourced CDs,\u201d said my roommate proudly. \u201cWhat?\u201d I asked. \u00a0We were at the farmers market on a Saturday morning. \u201cThey\u2019re also artisanal,\u201d he added. \u201cAre they fair trade too?\u201d I asked mockingly. \u201cNo,\u201d said Jake, almost condescendingly. \u00a0\u201cThey don\u2019t need to be fair trade if they\u2019re locally…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3921","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nonclassified-nonsense"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3921","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3921"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3921\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3927,"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3921\/revisions\/3927"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3921"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3921"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nachzen.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3921"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}