KittenWar is a great way to unwind, to thoughtlessly make consequetial decisions that cost you next to no effort.

But after careful observation, there is actually a fairly simple method of discovering which kittens will win. It has nothing to do with coloring and little to do with actual appearance.

1. The photography has to be decent, not blurry, no red-eye (or in kittens’ case, glowing white eyes). This doesn’t seem like it should matter when determining cuteness, but it does.

2. Multiple kittens are cuter than individual kittens.

3. Kittens’ bellies are their cutest part. A kitten standing up on its hind legs or a kitten lying on its back is cuter than a kitten right side up. Dangling a paw in the air is even cuter.

4. A kitten with his paw over his face is cuter.

5. Kittens in something are cuter, be it fish bowls, cereal boxes, or flower pots.

6. Kittens hanging from something or else engaged in another activity are cuter than those standing still.

7. The younger a kitten is, the cuter.

With this in mind, I think I have the makings of the perfect KittenWar champion. The Bremers’ cats just had kittens (it was a group effort among the fathers Scotch and Bear and the mother Mincemeat). I’ll take the litter of four, put tape on their noses, place them upside down in something, and snap a photo as one of them tries to climb out.

I just have to make sure it’s in focus.