When I got home from picking up Mom from the airport yesterday, I noticed an exciting piece of junk mail. As far as I can remember, it’s the first bit of junk mail I’ve ever gotten excited about, much less responded to.

Qwest wanted to let me know that teh fiber optic internets were are now available for my apartment.

12Mbps down for $46 or so, assuming you have phone service with them. I called them up to find out how much it would be without phone service, since I never plan to have POTS again. $69.99/month, she told me. I told her that was too much, so then she told me that it was actually $56.98/month. That, on the other hand, sounded excellent. I asked if I could get a Static IP address. She had me repeat the words “Static IP” three times, then put me on hold. Five minutes later she told me, “Yes, that’s available.” “Okay, how much extra does it cost?” On hold again for another 5 minutes. She told me that Qwest didn’t offer what I wanted except through a third party who would bill me separately. I explained to her that it was impossible for a third party to offer me a static IP address, and then decided to drop it and pursue it later. I don’t have a static IP now, and DynDNS seems to be working great for me.

So then I asked her how much set up fees were. “Somewhere between $10 and $20, plus $99 for installation.” “I don’t want to pay $99 for installation, that’s ridiculous.” “Okay, you can install it yourself.” She asked for every single irrelevant piece of personal information she could dream up. I told her I didn’t want to give it to her, and she told me I couldn’t have service then, but promised me she wouldn’t share it with anyone. I gave in, and then she asked me what kind of Windows I used.

Me: I don’t use Windows.
Qwest: What do you use?
M: Linux
Q: Uhm. Okay. What kind of computer do you have?
M: An RS/6000.
Q: What?
M: I have an Apple Computer.
Q: Is that Vista?
M: No. Apple. OS X.
Q: You mean XP?
M: No. Apple.
Q: We don’t support that.
M: You don’t have any APPLE users?
Q: No sir.
M: I find it impossible to believe that you don’t have a single Apple Macintosh customer.
Q: Oh! A Macintosh? Those are okay.
M: Okay, I have a Macintosh then.
Q: Okay, we can’t be your ISP if you have a Macintosh.
M: WHAT??
Q: We can still provide your speed, but you have to get someone else to be your ISP.
M: What is my speed?
Q: The speed. That connects you to the internet.
M: So are you selling internet service?
Q: Yes!
M: But not if I have a Macintosh?
Q: No, we can provide the internet, but we can’t be your ISP.
M: Do you know what an ISP is?
Q: Uhm, they provide things like e-mail.
M: Oh, so you’re saying you can’t provide email and web service for me?
Q: Right. We just provide the speed.
M: Okay, I don’t want e-mail or web service or anything else. Just the internet.
[Yes, I stole a line from Speakeasy there]

After more putting me on hold and various machinations she explained that someone would have to come out and install it after all, but that I wouldn’t be charged for it.

Q: We can set up service for you on May 20, will that work?
M: Let me guess, between the hours of 8am and 5pm?
Q: No sir! Between 8am and 4:30pm!
M: Oh, that’s a lot better.
Q: Okay, so you can be there then?
M: Uhm, sure.

So, anyway, for the exact same price I’m paying for Comcast’s 5Mbps down and 386Kbps, I can have 12Mbps down and ~800Kbps up. (Talk about pathetic up speeds…) When Comcast asks why I’m canceling, I’m going to tell them it’s because of their policy of blocking bit torrent connections, in addition to the fact that they raised my rates.

So, I’m still not convinced that capitalism is actually working here, but for the first time I actually have reasonable options. We’ll see if it’s all it’s cracked up to be. I sort of suspect that when they get here I’m going to find out that the copper in the building won’t support 12Mbps or some such….