I left work and headed for Sprint to go get my new phone. The Interstate here has big marquee signs that warn you about traffic problems up ahead. Usually, they say something like, “CRASH AT BRIARGATE ALL LANES OPEN,” which explains that the reason you’re sitting in bumper to bumper traffic is because of onlooker lag. This day they said, “FUNERAL PROCESSION EXITS 215 – 257 CLOSED.” Actually, I have no idea which exits it said were closed, because I don’t keep track of exits by their numbers but by their road names. I could see brake lights backing up ahead, so I exited and proceeded to my long-cut that is faster to take than stopping and starting on a clogged I-25.

Except for this day. Unbeknownst to me, the funeral service had taken place at New Life Church (the biggest sanctuary in town, being a mega-church), right where my road went. In the Miata, there’s no way I can see around all the SUV’s and pickups. Too late, I realized that this six lane road had turned into a parking lot. And they put these stupid concrete dividers in the median, so there’s no way to make a U-turn until you get to the next cross street. And no one was getting there because no one could move. I was completely and utterly trapped. I kept watching the light way at the top of the next hill turn green, yellow, red, and green again and no one move.

Berck called me on the cell and said that he was trying to leave the Academy, but they blocked the gate and wouldn’t let anyone leave. How can you detain someone against their will like that, especially in a non-emergency?

I found out the next day that it was the funeral for the cop who was gunned down by this crazy guy the week before. Police from all over the country had come to the funeral. Now, I’m all in favor of mourning the dead, especially a protector of the peace in the line of duty. Here’s what I’m not in favor of:

1) Here’s a map of the area. There are only TWO roads that go north-south there: the Interstate and Voyager/Hwy 85. And the police blocked off BOTH of them. At rush hour. RUSH HOUR! There are no roads you can take to the west because the Academy is there, and they won’t let you on most of it. You’ve got to go MILES to the east to find another north-south road. I’ve done that before, and it seriously takes more than twice as long for me to get home.

2) Apparently, they had been telling people they were going to do this in the paper and on TV. I don’t get the paper, and I don’t have a TV. I do listen to the radio; I listen to the local NPR station because they’re the only station in town that plays news at the times I’m going to and coming from work. NO mention of this.

3) If you’re going to have a huge funeral procession, have it somewhere where you can actually drive around it, not the only place in town where there are only two routes, and you’ve blocked off both of them.

4) DON’T HOLD YOUR FUNERAL PROCESSION AT RUSH HOUR!!!

5) Don’t block off the INTERSTATE for a funeral procession! That’s a vital north-south corridor for this country, not just for the city or the Front Range. And it’s a federal road, too. I think it’s a violation of federal statute to block off an Interstate for a funeral procession, anyway.

So anyway, by the time I got to Sprint, my mood was NOT GOOD. The place was full of people. I gave my name and Michele’s phone number to the “host.” They have a cooler of bottled water (none of it cold…they may as well have had it in a box), so I grabbed one and gulped it down. I was very thirsty having had to sit trapped on tarmac for so long.

I looked around at the room. Three workers didn’t appear to be helping anyone or doing anything else useful. Two of them were chatting. I felt my mood get worse.

Finally, someone called my name.

Continued later: Liars don’t go to hell; they go work for Sprint.

Actual Fact: If a funeral procession were approaching and needing to cross in front of it were a police car with it’s lights and siren on, a firetruck with its lights and sirens on, an ambulance with its lights and siren on, and a mail truck, only the mail truck could legally pass in front (being a federal government vehicle).