I remember fryage

I remember being funneled into a plastic jug. The plastic jug would speak to me, saying it was made from oil, like me. I liked to think I was different, I had once been living, but it said, while I came from peanuts, it came from ancient ferns and the bones of extinct species. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I listened to its hydrocarbic memories. I remember cycles of warmth and cold, sometimes so cold I became as solid as the jug around me.

Then one day I got warm very quickly. I remember suddenly being birthed from the pliable plastic jug onto hard steel. I had remembered the metal from the processing plant, of course, but this steel was different, containing the memories of its various previous contents, memories that it whispered to me. As I listened, we were suddenly joined by the scent of a different kind of hydrocarbon than the solid of the plastic jug. The steel stopped whispering and instead exclaimed, here we go!

Then there was an explosion of sound, and things got very hot and extremely exciting. All at once, plunging into me were slices of raw potatoes. We introduced ourselves quickly, and it turns out we had a lot in common, both once enwombed in soil, the potatoes in cool sand, me touching warm clay. As we parleyed, the potatoes transformed, turning golden and somehow both soft and crisp at the same time. Then they were gone, along with the heat that had preceded them, and I was left with the memory of carbohydrates and caramelization.

Since then I have chronicled many memories. I impart my recollections to whatever enters my depths.

I spend the first five minutes telling new slices of potatoes about the potatoes that came before them. About the bits of flour, abandoned and now burned completely black, that fell from the concentric circles of astringent onion, and the egg protein chains that broke, failing to keep one bound to the other. About the carbohydrates from the panko and the rice and the hand pies and the pizza that one time. About the fat from the chicken wings, now commingled with my own. About the mozzarella that leaked from around the breadcrumbs vainly trying to contain it. Then the potato slices leave and bid me farewell, but I know they will return, because the fire beneath me increases.

The next three minutes I impart to the fries my other memories, the rainwater whenever someone forgets to cover me, the errant pine needles the wind blows into my steel home, and even the tales told to me by my old companion, the plastic jug. I make my guests promise to remember all that I have taught them, just as I will remember them. Then they escape.

But I remember.

If you could change

We were lying in bed one lazy Saturday morning, and my husband asked me, “Would you change anything about your body?”

I know he’s a sucker for my blue (useless) eyes and my long (thin, plain brown) hair. I could stand to lose a few pounds… well, maybe more than a few.

“Yes!” I answered. “I’d like to have an exoskeleton.”

“A… what?”

“An exoskeleton, preferably bulletproof. And I’d like to have really strong legs so I could jump a hundred feet into the air like a grasshopper. But when I landed I’d be safe because of my exoskeleton.”

“An… exoskeleton?”

“And compound eyes.”

“What?”

“Wouldn’t it be great to see in 360 degrees?”

“But would they still be blue?”

“Disco, probably.”

“So,” he said, “you’d like to be an insect?”

“I’d also like to be able to eat rocks.”

“Eat… rocks?”

“Yeah, because I’d never go hungry. Rocks are everywhere! But to eat rocks, I’d need to have a funnel type mouth with rotating sets of diamond teeth. You know, to crush the rocks.”

“Rotating… what? How would you talk?”

“Telepathy.” I turned to him, “How about you? Would you change anything about your body?”

He cleared his throat. “I’d like to be shorter.”

Turkey Soup Recipe

Turkey Soup Recipe

Make a broth from the Thanksgiving turkey with some carrot peels, celery tops, peppercorns, a couple cloves of garlic, and a bay leaf.  Obviously, discard all that.

Chop up lots of carrots, celery, a bell pepper and a couple onions and cook the ever living stuffing out of them in the grease you pulled off the top of the broth you made.

After they’ve been cooking for several hours, add the broth, a big can of tomatoes, a lot of basil, less oregano, some fresh rosemary, some Worcestershire, maybe a little thyme, and some bullion powder. Oh, and another bay leaf.  

Search the cabinets and realize you only have one can of cannellini beans. Add those.

Realize you forgot garlic.  Chop up a few cloves and add them.

Remember that there’s a stalk of chard in the fridge from making oysters rockefeller.  Chop that up and add. 

Once it’s almost dinner time, turn the simmering soup up to high, then search through your pasta boxes and pick out the dried tortellini package.  Throw that in there.

Slice up a package of sausages, like a Colorado company that specializes in Italian style sausage but tried its hand at making Andouille anyway. Fry up the sausage slices in a pan, making sure both sides are nicely browned.  Keep tasting them to make sure.  Maybe taste one more.

Dump the sausage in the pot.  Deglaze the pan with some vermouth. Dump that in too.

Add the less than half a container of ricotta in the fridge that your husband used to make spinach roll up pasta that calls for a heaping cup of ricotta.

Add some cream.

Correct for salt.

Don’t forget the pepper!

Serve topped with parmesan.