Posts by Jonah

Mmmmm… Yawn. I’m a little tired. I stayed on last night after you left.
Bishop, who didn’t have school today, stumbled across me hibernating on
Legends, so we went back over to DS9 and chatted for a long while about life
and stuff. How come the really deep discussions come really late (or very
early)? Anyway, it started storming really big. My dad came upstairs to
unplug my computer, only to find me on it. That was not a pleasant scene. I
told him I was writing a paper, which I was. But he was upset, even though
he went back to bed, and it -was- really lightning a lot, so I said goodnight
to Bish and unplugged the computer. I’d still only written the first
paragraph of my paper. It was 4 a.m. by then. I went to bed, setting my
alarm for 5. Even though I’d been pumping myself with caffeine and sugar, I
went to sleep right away.

The alarm went off much too soon. I stumbled over to the computer and
plugged it back in. The storm was over. I wrote the rest of the paper very
quickly. The next thing I knew I had four pages, so I whipped up a closing
paragraph and put it on disk to take downstairs and print it out. All this
while watching the sky getting lighter and lighter and night turning into
day. I don’t see that very often.

I wanted to get to school early so that I could stick the paper in Allums’
door before he got there, considering that it was due on Friday. I got
dressed in the spaghetti dress, as Denise calls it, and found my shoes that
had been missing since the hole was cut in my closet (it’s still there). I
wore my newly trimmed hair down. It was odd getting to school so early in
the morning. I haven’t had eight o’clock classes since that was the only
time Greek was offered as a freshman. The parking lots were deserted.
Allums’ door was securely shut. Good, I thought. Then I drove over to the
Forestry Center Building where Career Day was going on. They were just
setting up, however, and wouldn’t start till nine, when my first class
started. Funny thing is, I walked in and there was Dr. Allums. I guess he
hadn’t checked his office yet, since there was stuff in the box on his door.
He had to be there since the dean of fine arts was in the hospital with eye
surgery. He seemed annoyed at having to waste time standing around
representing whatever he was there to represent, although Dr. Allums is the
easy going type and doesn’t show annoyance very often. I stood around and
talked with him for a long time about philosophy and just.. stuff… we even
talked about Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I drank a cup of coffee on
top of the green tea I had on the way to school. Kilroy rolled in, and I
exchanged pleasantries with him. Then it was time to head to class.

Everyone who knew me was surprised to see me dressed up, since I always wear
jeans and a t-shirt. Dick caught sight of me and grinned. “Hey… Jonah!”
He’s always telling me I should get my hair cut and wear more feminine
clothes and stuff. Dr. Schaefer saw me, did a double take, and said, “I
won’t even ask.” I tried to talk to Paul after class, but I wasn’t making
much sense. I mentioned that when I didn’t sleep, I thought. He mentioned
that that was dangerous.

As I walked across the quad to get to psych class late again, I passed the
freak. “Career Day. Forrestry Center. I’m going at noon,” I yelled out to
him. “What?” he asked, “Is that an invitation?” I shrugged, walking
backwards and yelled back, “Sure. Be right there at noon.”

Somehow I stayed awake in psych class, although I had a really hard time
listening. I didn’t take many notes. Larry was waiting for me when I got
back to the fine arts building. “You gonna walk?” he asked. I laughed and
led him to my car. I had to move a bunch of junk out of the way for him to
sit down. “I’d hate to see your room,” he remarked. “Want a piece of gum?”
By the time we got to the forestry center, career day was over. It ran from
9-12, right when I have classes. I didn’t really mind. I was too out of it
to really care. As the freak and I drove back, he asked, “You wanna get
something to eat? You wanna go over to the library?” “And do what?” “Talk?
Maybe that’s not such a good idea. Wanna watch a movie?” I was silent.
“You wanna go home, don’t you,” he said. I nodded and dropped him off at
the cafeteria.

I dunno. I’m kinda getting used to the guy. The more I’m around him, the
more I like him. I feel sort of comfortable with him. I’m not trying to
impress him. I only say what I think, not what I want him to hear, because I
don’t care what he thinks. He’s certainly different from everyone else at
UM.

I came home and went to bed. I didn’t even eat.

Sent: Monday, March 18, 1996 6:51 PM
To: Berck
Subject: heh heh

Look at this…

< << PERSONAL E-MAIL MENU >>>

1) Read Next Message
2) Show All Message Headers
3) Send New E-Mail
4) Reply To Current Message
5) Delete Current Message
6) Open Your Personal FileStore
—-
—-
h = help q = quit system
p = previous menu t = top (main) menu

no mail. heh. I deleted all my mail. I saved almost all of it too. I
wonder why. If someone wants to investigate my life, they could spend hours
looking at stuff. Days even. Why do I do this? Why do I save it all? Is it
a quest for immortality? Something that will outlast me?

Except it won’t. It’s on disk. And I’ve got this feeling that all electronic
data will be erased somehow. Paper isn’t much better. It burns. People
throw it away.

It’s not like I’m going to be able to go back and read to find stuff in this
huge file I’ve just saved. But I suppose it’s like memory. I can’t trust my
brain to remember every detail of all the e-mail I’ve received, so I put it on
my hard drive.

Either that or I’m bored.

No, I
am not bored.

Jonah

I seem to have a rather fatalistic outlook on life, or at least
relationships. I’ve seen so many friendships fall by the wayside. I never
meant for it to happen, it just does. “Letters that you never meant to send,
lost or thrown away.” Except that I’ve written letters to people and meant
to send them, but never finished them, never stuck them in envelopes, never
affixed postage… Perhaps this has affected my outlook on my relationship
to people. When I meet someone, I tend to forget their name right off.
Maybe it’s because I never intend on seeing them again. Maybe because
precedence has proved that in general that’s what happens.

I’m wondering who that woman is who was in the bathroom with all the girls
with St. Paul’s nametags at school last week. I know I’ve seen her before.
Or if not her, someone very much like her. I’m sure I had a conversation
with her. She has kids. Maybe she homeschooled or used to. I can even tell
you what her personality is like. At least, I’m pretty sure I can. But I
can’t remember where I saw her. And there’s no way I’m going to recall her
name.

My family all seems to suffer from phone ring timing disorder. A bunch of
people are downstairs. I can hear them addressing one another. The phone
just started ringing. It rang. It rang again. And again. No one was
picking it up. So finally I picked up the one on my desk that’s virtually
attached to the modem. I turn the ringer off because I hate having a phone
ring in my room. I can usually hear it from downstairs or in Steph’s room.
My parents’ room is directly under mine, so I can usually hear it through
the floor. And if I can’t, that’s okay. That means I don’t have to worry
about answering it. Considering that it’s never for me. About the only time
I touch it is to pick it up to see if anyone is on the line or not so I can
get on the modem.

But the phone was ringing, and no one was picking it up. So I did. I waited
a second to make sure no one had gotten the same idea downstairs. Then I
said quietly into the receiver, “Hello?” “Yes,” came the calm voice at the
other end of the line, “May I speak to…” At that moment the speaker phone
downstairs came on and my mom yelled, “HELLO?!” There was that moment of
confusion when three people are trying to communicate at once and aren’t
really sure who the other is. I just kept quiet while the lady on the other
end repeated her request, this time able to complete it by asking for
Stephanie. Mom yelled something back, but I hung up. My services were no
longer needed.

We all tend to yell into the speaker phone. That’s because if we talk
normally, it doesn’t seem to catch our voices.

Nathan and I were having a discussion about nudism. I said that I didn’t
think I’d have much a problem with it. It’s just not a big deal for me to
see naked people, and I don’t think it’d be real embarassing for me to go
around without any clothes on. Anyway, now everyone is in the discussion.
The guys seem to think it’d be a really bad idea, while people like my mom
and me aren’t ready to condemn nudist colonies. I mean, it doesn’t embarrass
me to see someone without clothes on. And the only reason I’d be
uncomfortable naked is if the people around me are feeling that way. But I
can say this and not know how I’d really react until it actually happened.
Which, chances are, it won’t. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.

Nathan said he could make a killing selling nude pictures of me. He said
next time he sees Stephen he’s gonna ask him how much he’d pay for nude
pictures of me. We made predictions about what his reaction would be. Ah,
what we do to amuse ourselves.

It’s been an interesting weekend. Denise, Nathan, and I have done some
hanging, since Steph’s been off babysitting each night. They all just went
down to Cream ‘n Bean for coffee. Asked me if I wanted to go. I declined.
I’m supposedly writing an English paper.

I need to start a new chess game. That’s what I need to do. I’m having
trouble finding a reason for living. A chess game should do that for me.

My brother just gently berated me for keeping the popcorn popper up in my
room. He’s probably been looking for it for 10 minutes now. Ah well. I
should have appologized.

Did you know that Newt Gingrich fell in love with his high school teacher,
and they got married? She got cancer later on. He grew up, changed, and
divorced her.

This dead camellia is so pretty. I’m not the green thumb type. I don’t have
any plants in my room other than the dead camellia on my desk and the dried
purple flowers on my dresser. But they weren’t meant to live permanently, so
that’s okay. I suppose I could have a live plant in my room, but I’m on the
north side of the house, so I don’t get much light. Odd, sunlight never
shines in my room. Never.

I don’t have a live plant in my room, but I can look through my partly opened
curtains and the window that is slightly open even though the air conditioner
has been running to see the side yard with its huge oak tree and the plum
tree that’s blooming and the couple of azaleas that didn’t die and on to the
string of trees growing along the fence and through that to the pasture and
the tall pine trees beyond.

I don’t have a green thumb. There was that summer thing I was involved in
one year when I planted a vegetable garden and go back and check on it twice
a week. But here the weeds grow so fast and the critters hungrily chomp on
whatever we plant, and the stuff we buy at the store looks so much better,
and we don’t have to work for it. So I haven’t found myself too eager to get
down in the dirt to coax something to life that is going to take work and
isn’t going to yield much results.

But I planted some stuff today. I took some cuttings and buried them in the
ground. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing. I don’t know if they will
survive, but it was a favor to someone. My activity was not aimed at some
future goal. It was merely the completion of a present request. I don’t
know if I did it correctly, but I did what I could. And I enjoyed it.

Someone once said that gardening is good for the soul. Or if they hadn’t,
they should have. I discovered that today. There is something basic,
something elemental about a hand holding steel turning dirt, all for the
purpose of life. When someone dies, we put them in the ground. These roots
I put in the ground to make them live. The dirt that accepts death gives
life.

I don’t know if they’ll live or not. Chances are that some will make it. I
stuck every root, every branch, everything there into the ground, leaving a
potential end exposed. I watered them thoroughly. It’s no longer up to me.

It’s an investment that will take time to show results.