Google Goes Crazy

“I bought you a present,” Berck told me on the phone last week. “You should get it by the time I get home. I bought me a present too, so be watching for it.”

On Thursday there was a note on the door saying the UPS man had come and gone. On Friday there was a note saying he’d made a second attempt. There was also a note saying FedEx had made a SECOND attempt, and to sign and put back on my door if I wanted them to leave it. They apparently tried to deliver it again on Saturday, which was a nice day, and we had the door open, but they didn’t think we were home since we were in the study laughing uproariously at Top Gear. Berck was home yesterday, and when he went outside to water the plants, there was a note saying the UPS man had made his final attempt.

This meant that I had to go down and pick it up at the central office way down by the Citadel Mall. Berck could have done it, but I would have had to written a letter authorizing him to pick it up, because it was addressed to me. That and he’s up in Denver today sitting in on a simulator session. He took my car because it has a radio, and his has snow tires.

Last night I asked him where the heck I was supposed to pick up the package. “Just type the number in, and it will tell you.”

Google has this cool feature where you can type any FedEx or UPS package number into it, and it will connect you directly to the page with the tracking information on it from either company. Well, it’s supposed to do that. Here’s what happened when I did that:

packageTrack FedEx package 9253 3798 6688
www.fedex.com

Okay, but, remember, it’s a UPS package, not a FedEx package. So I went to UPS.com. Every single time I go to UPS.com it asks what country I’m in, and every single time I tell it to remember that I’m in the USA. Then I put in my package number. Here’s what it said:

Tracking Number: 925337986688
Status: Not Available

So I called the 800 number. The automated answerer asked me to read out my package number. I did. The automaton said she was really sorry but she didn’t get it. I read it again. She apologized again and asked me to read it again. I read it extremely slowly. She suggested she connect me to a real live person. I said, “Thank GOD.” Why can’t they just let me type it into the buttons?

The guy I talked to asked for my package number again. I was beginning to memorize it. He asked if I’d been left a slip that said I could sign the slip and leave it. “This is my third attempt slip,” I said, “They’re not going to try to deliver it again.” He told me that I would have to go pick it up. “Yes, but where do I go to pick it up?” He gave me the address and told me how late they were open. I scribbled it down and then typed the address into Google. Google has this cool feature that you can just type in an address and it will give you a map of that location. It seems to like it best when you put in the street address and zip, so that’s what I did. (That and typing in “Colorado Springs, CO” takes a lot longer.) Here’s what I typed in:

911 emery cir, 80915

map
911 Emery Cir, Covington, KY 41011

You’ll notice the zips don’t even match. Fortunately, the first hit was for CitySearch.com, and it had the whole address, so I added the last line. Notice that I even have the 9 digit zip:

911 emery cir, Colorado Springs, CO 80915-3413

map
911 Emery Ln, Elkhart, KS 67950

We’re getting closer, since Kansas is just next door. So I went back to the CitySearch.com site, and clicked on the little link called “MAP.” It pulled up an Ask.com map showing me exactly where the UPS center was. It also gave me the correct spelling of Emory Ln. Google has the best spell checker I’ve ever seen; most of the time I don’t even make the vaugeist attempt at spelling something correctly, trusting my sturdy search engine will figure out what I really mean. But apparently, they haven’t hooked it up to Google Maps yet. Come on… I was just one vowel off. Vanna, I’d like to get a refund.

Now I just had to get down to the UPS center. The problem is that there isn’t a good way to get there. The most direct way is to go down Academy Blvd., the busiest street in town. So I got off the Interstate and got on Academy at its northern end. I stopped for every single light except one until I got to Dublin Blvd. Then I stopped for good. The intersection of Dublin and Academy is on top of a hill, and in my little car, I couldn’t see anything, but people were getting out of the right lane like their lives depended on it. Then the light stopped changing. Northbound Academy Blvd. traffic kept coming, but we weren’t going anywhere. Then a fire truck that said HAZARDOUS MATERIALS UNIT on it edged out into the intersection, went north a block, and turned around and came back up to the right lane everyone was getting out of. This took ten minutes, I think, while we sat there doing nothing. Finally, the light changed, and we all gushed forward. I glanced back to see if there were a wreck or something, but I couldn’t see a thing. What a time to be in a car without a radio.

I had to stop for most of the lights after that, but at least we weren’t stopped for extended periods of time. The people at the UPS center wanted to make sure I was who I said I was before they gave me my package. “Have a good day,” the lady said, “What’s left of it.” That’s for sure, I thought as I walked out into the near dark back to my car. I went home via the Interstate, a much better way to go, even though I had to drive from the east part of town to downtown in order to head north. The road backed up right before my exit, and I thought it was everyone from Nevada trying to get out of the exit lanes while the people trying to exit onto Woodmen were trying to get into them. I got into the right-most lane, but I soon found out why everyone was stopped when I found my lane blocked by two cars who had tried to get into and out of the exit lane at the same time in the same place. Can we institute some rule that before you get your drivers license you have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you know how to NOT crash into other cars and maybe condemn some people to riding the buses for life?

But when I opened my present, I was very pleased. Was it worth all of the above hassle? I’ll have to try it out to find out.

Berck still doesn’t have his present. He called FedEx, and they told him to put the signed sticker on the door and they would deliver it today. The sticker is still there.

Job Duties for the Day

My job lately has been feeding the animals, something Michele usually does, but she’s still recovering from foot surgery she had three weeks back. She’s doing great, but she moves a little slower with a big surgical boot on her foot.

This morning I went over to the grain barrels and lifted the cover, but before I could start counting out scoops of grain into a bucket, I stopped and looked around. My buddy the cat usually hangs out in the barn, but he (or she, since I have no idea what sex it is) was mewing from by the house. I stopped and listened. It was a plaintive, troubled mew. “Cat?” I said, “Are you okay? Where are you?”

I walked over to the deck and looked underneath, thinking he might be hurt and stuck under there. He kept mewing, then stopped when I stuck my head under the deck, then started again when I stood back up again. “I can’t see you,” I apologized and went back to my grain scooping.

One of my duties is to feed the chickens and the peeps, who were tiny in August but have grown big enough so that my buddy the cat probably won’t try to eat them.
peeps
They’ve been cooped up in a brood box inside the hen house the whole time, but Michele decided last week that we could open the top of the box and let them get out if they wanted to. One brave speckled peep immediately fluttered out and started exploring.

Today was the first day that NONE of the peeps were in their brood box when I came in. I have to be careful because the brave peep always wants to try to get out the door to the outside world, but I happen to know that she’ll quickly be chicken dinner for a certain Flemish Bouvier named Grungie. When I go in the hen house in the morning, I shoo all the geese and chickens out the little door to the outdoor portion of the coop and then put a bucket in the doorway so they won’t come in, because I’m scared of the geese and the rooster. Then I refill the peeps water bottle if they need water and give them some 4-way grain. They think I rock. They mob me like I’m a rock star and peck inquisitively at my boots, peeping the whole time. After I’ve made sure there’s enough food for everyone, I gather whatever eggs are lying around, remove my protective bucket from the chicken door, and try to extricate myself from the hen house without any of the peeps escaping, Kittie, the Australian Shepherd, from darting in to look for any eggs I’ve missed, or the geese returning and screaming geese cuss words at me. I stole two of their eggs last week, and I think they’re still sore. Boy, are those things big!

Since all of the peeps were out of the brood box, and I’m not convinced they all know how to get back in, I try to keep plenty of water within easy reach in the water buckets the rest of the poultry use. I’m afraid they won’t know how to perch on the edge of the buckets and lean over to get a drink. So I hooked up the hose, turned on the water, and went down the hill to get the other end. We always stretch the hoses out to drain after we use them in the winter, because otherwise they’ll freeze solid and become useless.

I was trudging back up the hill with the business end of the hose when Michele called to me from the back door asking if I would take her offering to the chickens with me. Her offering was the remains of canning beets the day before. Then she turned and looked up. “Oh, the cat is on the roof.” Sure enough, right above her, the cat was perched at the edge of the gutter, stretching his neck toward her and pleading with her to bring the ground closer. “How are we going to get her down?” Michele glanced at me.

“I’ll get him down,” I said, taking the chicken offering.

“How are you going to do that?”

I shrugged, “I’ll think of something.”

“Okaaay,” Michele said doubtfully, but she hobbled inside anyway.

That’s why the cat stopped mewing whenever I ducked under the deck. He couldn’t see me anymore from up on top of the roof.

I dumped the beet carcasses between the chicken wire, and the geese’s screaming turned to more of a honking-with-food-in-your-mouth kind of sound as they dug into the tasty, red garbage. Then they hopped out of the way quickly as I squirted water into the first of the water buckets. When I had filled them all, the peeps hurried to the shallowest and gulped down muddy water thirstily.

Next I turned my attention to the cat, who was above the gas grill, tentatively poking a black paw out into the air, trying to judge the distance down. I looked around and decided the extension ladder was the way to go, propping it up on the gutter. I climbed up to the roof line and called coaxingly to the cat. He said he was glad to see me but the grill was just too far away. I told him to come over to where I was, but he was too busy telling me what a pickle he was in. So I climbed up onto the shingles and walked over to him. He happily rubbed up against me like he does every morning when I feed him and let me pick him up and carry him back over to the ladder. He’s one of those cats that doesn’t mind being picked up and actually seems to crave it. For the first couple months I knew him, he would throw himself into my arms every time I came into the barn, whether or not I was paying attention to him. After being thrown back behind some hay bales (gently) a few times when I was too busy to be petting him, he stopped that and was content to bat at the baling twine when I cut loose a new bale or just sit at my eye level and tell me good morning over and over again.

To remount the ladder, I put him back down on shingles, where he looked at the narrow steps and said to me, “You’ve got to be kidding.”

I told him, “Don’t worry, I’ll carry you down.” We did a little dance while I tried to pick him up without freaking him out and he balanced a desire to be close to me with a wariness of being pulled too close to the edge. Finally, I got a good hold around his belly with two hands and climbed down holding him away from the ladder so he wouldn’t panic and try to reach for it. When we got close enough to the ground, he started doing his cat wiggle to get loose, so I lowered him to about a foot above the deck and dropped him. He turned and gave me a satisfied mew, then ran off to find his breakfast, while I put the ladder away.

Bear II

10, 20, 30 Years Ago

I’ve been tagged to report what I was doing 10, 20, and 30 years ago.

10 years ago, I had recently finished college and was teaching my younger brother an American history course by driving and camping up the East Coast and down the Appalachians, visiting every fort, battlefield, museum, or other historic spot along the way. We even visited Cara, who graciously put us up while we exhausted every item along the Mall. We headed east from Mobile to St. Augustine, where it all began, and made our way all the way to Maine before heading back again. We even attended an amazing re-enactment of the Battle of Antietam, the largest re-enactment up to that time and still the biggest re-enactment of that battle ever. To make it to the pre-dawn beginning of the second day’s re-enactment, we dozed in a rest stop because all the campsites within a huge radius of the event were all taken already.

20 years ago, I was in my second year both of homeschooling and living in Colorado Springs. My family was very involved in our church and the local homeschool support group, probably the largest in the country at the time. We made frequent trips to the state capital to lobby to legalize homeschooling (folks were getting prosecuted for truancy at the time), and Mom wouldn’t take us to the store during school hours, lest someone ask too many questions. I was foundering around with algebra and reading the first books that included romance that I truly enjoyed.

30 years ago, I was enjoying being a big sister, finally having a younger sister to play with, although she just wouldn’t grow up fast enough! I watched Captain Kangaroo in the morning and in the afternoon Mr. Rogers and “Sunny Days” (though my mom would insist it was called “Sesame Street,” I knew better). We lived next to the Cummings; Mr. Cummings would call me “George” for some reason. Behind and catty-corner to our house was the Reeses’ who went to our church and we were really good friends with. Amy Reese, who would have been one and a half at the time, called my sister Stephanie, who would become her best friend, “Nanny” and me “Nana.” So I guess I’ve been Nana for a long time; my little brother called me that for a while, and my nephew Elliott calls me that now. My very favorite thing to do was to go over to my friends Cara and Janna’s house and play some bizarre combination of “house” and “good guys and bad guys” and make stroganoff out of mud and privet berries and feed it to the zoo animals. Get three big imaginations from three little people, and you can occupy yourselves for hours.